A phrasebook for budget travellers

Budget or independent travel - travelling to remote and barely habitable parts of the globe on a minimal budget - is more popular now than ever. And yet one thing that all travellers agree on is that there are no good travel phrasebooks available. Oh, sure, there are handy pocket guides that tell you how to order six or seven basic dishes, ask the way to the museum or the police station, check into a hotel or catch a bus. But none of these books ever gives you the phrases you really need, the ones that shoestring travellers find themselves needing over and over again.

This document is a do-it-yourself travel phrasebook. Before you set out, simply print this page and then get a native speaker to provide the translations for each of the phrases listed here. You can then travel confidently, certain that you will be able to say what you most want to say at every moment.

Communication

Does anyone here speak a language with more than five living native speakers? And vowel sounds that I can produce without surgery?

While I am very impressed that someone living in such a remote village should be so fluent in a major European language, your familiarity with Serbo-Croat is not actually helping to break down the barriers to international communication here.

Your accent is very good, but I think you need to learn to say more than "Hey mister" and "Hello" if you are going to continue to advertise yourself as a bilingual tour guide.

Accomodation

I would like something with a fan and a bath. A roof and walls might be nice too.

Are the cockroaches in the other rooms any smaller or less aggressive?

When you said 'dormitory accomodation', I was expecting to share my room with other travellers, not livestock.

On second thoughts, I think I will do without the en-suite toilet.

Here is ten US dollars. Please have that rooster strangled.

Could you ask the muezzin to turn it down just a little during the 5 a.m. call to prayer?

My companion is not very familiar with the use of squat toilets. Do you think the local fire brigade might be able to free his foot, or should we consider amputation?

Transport

Is this bus likely to leave this week, or should I start asking the local guesthouses about their long-stay rates?

Do you actually own a boat, or have I spent the last hour and a half bargaining with you as some kind of interesting academic exercise?

Of course there's some room back here. If the family of six will just move up a little, I'm sure we can find space to pack in four more of those goats and the holy man.

As a physicist, I have to warn you that we are approaching the Chandrasekhar density limit. If you attempt to load any more people into this vehicle, there is a good chance that it will collapse into a black hole and swallow the Earth.1

Please ask your delightful child to remove its mango from my ear.

What an exquisite means of transport. Tell me, can I expect feeling to return to my buttocks any time during the next three days?

Food and drink

I would like to eat something that I can spell.

I am hesitating between the sweet-and-sour slug broth, and the caterpillar salad. Perhaps you could help me to decide?

In my country, we usually wait until things are dead before we start to eat them.

Not that dead.

What on earth do you put in this dish?

I'm sorry I asked.

Local hospitality

Please don't think me stupid for asking, but do I eat this, dab it behind my ears or apply it liberally to the differential axle?

No, back home we don't usually use chopsticks to eat soup. How did you guess?

Another helping of goats' testicles boiled in vomit? Oh no, I couldn't possibly.

Thank you for your generosity. For strict religious reasons, however, I regret that I am unable to drink more than a litre of home-made rice whisky before breakfast.

Dealing with officials

If you don't take bribes, would it be OK if I just grovelled?

I am aware that my country does not have diplomatic representation here. We do, however, have a strategic airbase less than an hour's flight time from your capital.

You might find my passport easier to understand if you held it the right way up.

No, 'color of eyes: blue' is my profession. My name is actually '24th June 1997'.

No, I have no idea why your colleague at the border stamped my passport with an 'Exit' stamp when I entered the country, but I'm sure he had his reasons.2

Bargaining

Didn't your mother ever teach you that twice the going rate is reasonable, but asking for ten times is just insulting?

No. No. I need that roll of toilet paper NOW. I do not want to bargain. Do you hear me?

I think your authentic tribal carvings would sell better if you peeled off the "Made in Taiwan" sticker before putting them on display.

Small talk

Is all your mud made locally, or do you import?

I sincerely regret that my country found it necessary to bomb the blue bejeesus out of your country, and hope that there are no hard feelings.

I understand that women in your country typically expose rather less skin. Nevertheless, my companion is not a prostitute, and we both find your suggestion rather offensive.

I fully support the legitimate aspirations of the downtrodden proletariat and their struggle against the brutal fascist oppressor. Long live the heroic People's Revolutionary Party!

I am entirely in agreement with the firm and enlightened policies of the military government, and fully recognise the need to protect the security and stability of the state against Communist insurgency. Long live the Generalissimo!

I didn't intend to be disrepectful in referring to him as 'that funny little fat guy with a beard whose statue you see everywhere', but even you must admit that the Venerable Father of your Nation does look remarkably like a Smurf.

Miscellaneous

If you don't let go of my rucksack within fifteen seconds, you're going to need a level of medical assistance which won't be available here for another twenty years.

I wish to dispose of my socks. Can you direct me to the nearest bio-hazard containment unit?

Nice water buffalo. Nice, nice water buffalo.

Please fetch a surgeon. And a ladder.

I would like to arrange an immediate air ambulance evacuation to Disneyworld.

1. Important note: the phrase "This vehicle is too full. We cannot possibly fit in any more passengers." does not exist in any language spoken anywhere in the third world.

2. This actually happened to me in Bolivia.