Instructions for optimum viewing

Resize your browser window so that its width exactly matches this line.

Set your monitor to millions of colours if possible. This site must not be viewed at less than 256 colours.

Switch image loading on.

Hide the button bar, location line, and any other toolbars.

In the Fonts section of General Preferences (Navigator) or the Font Section of Preferences (Internet Explorer), set your Proportional Font to "Goudy Engraver's Old Style", and your Fixed Font to "American Typewriter Demi Bold Italic". If you do not have either of these fonts, you should install them before proceeding.

Switch on Java, JavaScript, ActiveX, and Juice, and make sure you have installed all currently available plug-ins. At a minimum you will need ShockWave, Project X, Real Audio, Surreal Audio, MexicanWave and Plan 9 from Outer Space.

Ensure that you are using either NetScape Navigator 3.0.1, or Microsoft Internet Explorer 3.0. To be more exact, you need the pre-final beta release of Navigator 3.0 that was mistakenly placed on NetScape's FTP server at 2:00pm on Monday 23rd August and removed forty-five minutes later. Any version of Explorer 3.0 will do, provided it supports double-byte Latvian font encoding.

This site can only be viewed using an Apple Macintosh. If you have any other kind of computer, go out and buy a Macintosh immediately. Make it the most expensive one you can find. (I'm sorry, but I have shares in Apple, and things are beginning to look pretty desperate).

Switch on your CD player, and insert a CD of the "Sonata for piano and violin in G-major (Op.78)" by Johannes Brahms. The 1975 Barenboim/Zukerman recording on Deutsche Grammophon is probably the best. Skip the first part, and go directly to the Adagio. If you do not have this CD, anything by Jam Nation or the Massed Bands of the Grenadier Guards will probably do.

Sit straight up, but do not tense your shoulders. Your forearm and upper arm should form an approximate right angle, and your hand and wrist should be roughly in a straight line. Ensure that your chair gives adequate support to your lower back. Stop fidgeting, dammit.

If the light from the window falls on your screen, pick up your computer and move it. It is important that you should see all the graphics in their natural colours. You should also ensure that you have a comfortable and restful environment in which to view the site. Put the cat out, tie next door's children up in the basement, soundproof the room, move to the country if necessary. If you have to, sell everything you own - including members of your immediate family - in order to buy or rent the perfect place to view this site. You won't be sorry you did.

If you do not already have a degree in Philosophy or Fine Arts from a major University, please enrol and complete the course before viewing this site. This site is so extraordinarily sophisticated that it is only suitable for people who have received the very highest standards of education.